The waiting time

I have been remiss. I thought I would continue to fill this space with posts throughout the re-design process. I thought I could still find ways to encourage and share in the midst of all of the craziness of the months that might pass in the process.

But I let the moments slip by. Moments of sleepy, sick, or sad or of "holy moley this is too much"... and I wrote nothing. I crawled into a pseudo-comfy spot and tried to wait out all that was happening in and around me. I thought I could wait until things changed. Until there was more "happy" to tell. Until there was heart enough to look out and find someone to lift and encourage with my rambling thoughts.

I missed the chance.

I have tried to understand the last few months. Tried to put words to the questions, even where there are no visible answers. Tried to smile and say, "I'm fine." Tried to be honest, too. And mostly I have just found myself with no words. Quiet. Ready to listen. Finally hoping to hear.

One of the most amazing phenomena lately has emerged from the quiet that I hoped would heal me. The quiet I thought would make everything make sense. Instead of finding answers, happiness, or renewal, I have found stillness.

Instead of allowing myself just enough rest to feel better, I have been swallowed up in an entirely new place of rest. These hands-- the ones who fear becoming a devil's tool-- are still. No works done. This mouth-- the one that ALWAYS wants to have the words that bring comfort, encouragement, laughter, and balm-- has been silenced. No words come. This heart-- so full of questions and so eager to believe-- has been filled to overflowing with the kindness of strangers. The provision of resources. The blessing of shared tears and co-mingled grief.

And so I don't miss another opportunity to thank these "strangers"-- the ones bearing dishes lovingly offered so I can rest, great books to relish in the wait, words to salve my heart, and help so I will be still-- they have allowed me to listen to their own stories. They have become friends. Pulled into my world by circumstances that don't make sense, these souls have given me connection in a way I had longed for and not been able to speak. They have become... community. I don't know if I will see some of them in the future or if our paths just crossed in THIS season, but I am so grateful. Not just for the "done" and "said", but for the love embodied in each moment.